Brown Bunny

Vincent Gallo almost convinced a 20 year old me to get "Devoted to Vincent Gallo Forever" tattooed on my wrist with two white roses interwined and a black heart. This movie just made me want to smoke crack.

Mr. Deeds

I didn't realize my boyfriend liked movies made within my lifetime so this rental was a pleasant surprise. David Bowie has never sounded better than having Adam Sandler belt Space Oddity into a banana. John Turturo pulls a perforamance rivaling that of Jesus in the Big Lebowski, but word to the wise, this movies a boner killer, don't attempt to seal the deal while watching. I dont know anyone who can keep it together while some old dude is yelling Boooooooooob on the TV screen and there's another one yelling it under the sheets.

Omega Man

If I were the last woman on the planet save a bunch of jive talkin mutants I definitely wouldn't spend my days watching Woodstock for the 638th time. Pharmacies, candy stores, sex shops, and the Cartier boutique would be more my speed. Watching old Charlton Heston handle that shotgun was clear indication of his NRA days to come, they'd have to pry him from my cold dead fingers.

In Cold Blood

Jesus Christ, Robert Blake has always been a freak. Is there really any question about whether or not he killed his wife? This is worse than that whole OJ fiasco, although OJ had that high speed chase to his name. I've never been able to look at a white Bronco the same way ever again. I would have enjoyed this movie more had I not been pouting about something I can't even remember anymore. Aside from the overly emphasized beatnik style snapping that permeated throughout the movie, it was a pleasure. Being that Truman Capote got his grubby little gay man fingers on it, I assumed that the pill-popping Blake would bend over and take it like a little bitch at some point, which unfortunately never happened. My loss. But then again, all hope isn't lost, while writing the novel, Capote was found in Kansas with Harper Lee (To Kill a Mockingbird) by a Kansas Bureau of Information agent in his hotel room lounging around in a pink negligee, silk with lace.

Vertigo

I love Jimmy Stewart, especially when he starts acting 10 kinds of creepy. Like when he gets all bossy and makes the poor innocent girl from Kansas dress up like his long lost love. I'm lucky the guys I've dated haven't done that to me or I'd end up looking like a pre-op tranny.

Young Lions

A deformed Montgomery Clift, a drunk Dean Martin, and Marlon Brando as a bottle blonde SS officer taught me some important lessons about the 2nd World War. Do you have any idea how hard it is to run a concentration camp? Between having to kill thousands of people a day, dealing with Berlin's pestering phone calls, and listening to dying people's moans, it was a hard day's work for these loyal Germans. Oh wait the movie was supposed to make me sympathetic to the plight of the Jews, not the Germans, I must have missed that memo.
Brando's pseudo-Germanic sissy boy whine was almost enough to make me bend him over my knee and go get the butter (I'll save that for when I watch the Last Tango in Paris). As far as Montgomery Clift, as hideous a monster as he became after the car wreck, is he really supposed to pass off as one of the chosen people? Woody Allen awkward hand gestures aside, I wasn't buying it. And Dino? My guess is that he already missed that Jew Jerry Lewis and wanted to win his affections back by playing a Jew-lover in the film. It was worth it, just to hear him called "fat and sassy" at one point. Fat. And Sassy. I can relate.

American Gangster

Great if you don't have the time to watch The Godfather, Scarface, The French Connection and Serpico. My guess? Someone wanted black people to have a Scarface all their own. And why shouldn't they, we all know the only way black people can make it in the world is if they become drug dealers, basketball players, or rap stars.